Listening

We all agree about the importance of listening, and of course we're good at it. Or are we? Most people, and I include myself, are naturally bad listeners. Of course we hear what the other person is saying; we could even repeat it, if challenged. But do we listen?

Most conversations are like tennis matches. We serve our ball and then watch our opponent so that we can prepare to deal with his return. While the other is speaking we are rapidly assessing the information and preparing our answer. But real listening requires us to take in what the other is saying from his emotional perspective, not ours. We are not judging, not thinking of a response – just understanding how it is for the speaker. After the speaker has been listened to and understood at this level, it may be time for us to make a response. Jumping the gun is a great temptation because the moment something is said an answer can spring into our minds: perhaps we have something helpful to contribute, perhaps we can see where the speaker is mistaken – the urge to leap in is strong. But it must be resisted

So why is good listening important? If you have ever experienced being really listened to by another person, you will already know the great relief of being understood. And you will also know how rare such an experience can be. It is also important because it leaves the speaker free to hear his own thoughts and to understand them more deeply and more constructively. He has been given space to consider and refine his own expression.

The listener does not have to agree with the speaker, indeed he may wish to point out the error of his ways. But if you want to change a man's mind you need to know how the situation looks from his point of view, and he needs to know you have understood him before he will, in turn, listen to your response.

But enough of theory. You can try it out for yourself, today. When someone starts to speak to you about something of consequence (it may be a spouse, a friend, a child) listen to what they are saying and try to get an understanding of the feeling behind it. Allow yourself from time to time to reflect back (not interpret) what has been said. (For example "So you felt unhappy because your best friend had gone off to play with someone else."). But be prepared for a rather longer conversation than usual, for this person may never have been listened to in a whole lifetime. And probably won't be listened to again unless you cultivate and maintained what is a rather difficult habit to acquire.

Adapted from several Works

Return to Secondsight
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